saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
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yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?