My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
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its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”