Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
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what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.