I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
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It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
water it, i dare you
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.