[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
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Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
“I FIXED IT!”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity