In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
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my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.