Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
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Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Weirdly Wednesday.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
No chill.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
every college guy’s fridge
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.