Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Smile Twitter, Smile.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.