i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
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Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.