onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
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I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.