Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth