“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
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Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.