The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
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My dad.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
So creative 😂
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.