I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
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You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
me after drinking all the wine:
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast