Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
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Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
When ur friends with white people
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.