[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
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I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts