Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
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Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
my dad has had enough
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Yoga Matt
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify