It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
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[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Twitter is an abusement park.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Thursday
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?