black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
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In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.