I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
You Might Also Like
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I falcon love using swear birds
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Happy Halloween 🎃
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.