*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
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I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Breaking news:
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”