The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
You Might Also Like
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Social Media and Real life
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.