[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
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Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.