Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.