If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”