God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Would you wear it?
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no