If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
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Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.