*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
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Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
This kid is a star!
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering