white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
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Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
We found love in a hopeless place.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.