Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
scares
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
i did the math
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions