I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
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Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Duck typos.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Don’t talk down to me
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.