Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
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Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…