911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
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They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom