Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
idk flipping houses looks really hard