Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
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That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
whatcha thinkin bout
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.