According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
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there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.