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I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
My background check bounced.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.