“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
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Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.