Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
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This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too