[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
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The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Genius idea!!
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.