*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
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i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.