Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
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Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her