guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
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Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
When you’ve simply given up.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy