It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
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Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.