I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.