guys i’ve cracked the code
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Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!