My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
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The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I think this should do it.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”