So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
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I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
*frowns in Scottish*
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider