We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.