HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
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*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Did I do this right
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder