saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
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I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing